MyMessyMindsMusing

This is something else. something more. something strange. something I am not able to hold. This is something else. something more terrifying something strong something I am not able to let go. This is something else. something more addictive. something stagnant. something I am not able to come out of. a maze. a magistically mysterious maze. a mirage. This is something else. You,  are something else. something more. something, I am not able to get more of. something, I am not able to get over of.

It's not like I am starving or anything. But I have this strange craving of you. It's not like I would faint or anything. But I have this strange urge of you. On a perfect Sunday morning,  After having a perfectly healthy breakfast I still yearn for a cup of tea, out of pleasure. A complete unnecessity. Which they say, I should avoid. It's not good for the well-being of me.  On a perfect Sunday morning, After having a well-fed soul, I still yearn for you, out of pleasure. A complete unnecessity. Which they say, I should avoid. It's not good for the well-being of me. It's not like I need you to survive. But I have this appetite for you, In order to sustain myself. It's not like I am obliged to have you. But I have this requirement of you, In order to nurture myself. You are like that forbidden fruit From Eden. A cup of tea I should avoid. But I still get hungry for you. Do you know what hedonic hunger is? I am hedonically hungry for you.   

I am not being me lately. Doing the things  I was sure I'll never do. For all those times I cursed you for being you. And for all, I know  I am being you now. I am not being me lately. Doing the things  I thought I'd never do. Then, I wanted you to love me like you did. And Then I hated you for loving me like you did. I am not being me lately. Doing the things I imagined I'd never do. For all those years  I cursed you for hankering  For yearning  And longing  burning and for all, I know I am being cursed now. I am not being me lately. I am not me. It's you. Since you.   And you, Are you being me now?

And since then,  I am collecting the ruins of me. Ruins of me after you. Remains of me. Relics of you. The odds and the ends. Connecting the trails,  Taking the strolls. Searching,  For belongings of yours. Seeking, The leftovers of mine. Collecting the broken pieces,  Trying to make it work.  Pretending that I've got it, Making it work. But what is ruined  Cannot be renewed, right? You have to rebuild it. Have to restart. To restore. Rejuvenate. But I am not done yet  I am still, collecting the ruins of me. Ruins of me after you.

and before leaving, I take a tour of the apartment. if I have left anything on the gas or the window open or the geyser on or the switches and after half locking the door, I take 2nd tour of the apartment  again, just in case...  the window or the geyser or switches and every time while locking the door, I turn the keys in the wrong direction. and every time I wonder how can I be so thoughtless the keys have to be turned towards left side... or is it on the right side? and every single day, I stand in front of the door struggling to lock it  turning the keys left and right wondering, how can I be so heedless wasn't it easier yesterday? and cursing myself, for not being attentive for forgetting keys on the way home  the other day, for getting easily annoyed  by little inconvenience,  for giving up every time  on the things I love, for not being able to do what I wanted to do, for procrastinating the most important things, for not caring about anything at all. suddenly the door gets

ok but what do you do  when you don't feel like doing  the things you should be doing. what do you do   when nothing around you is making sense to you. what do you do  when you no longer feel the need  of the things you once thought you need.  what do you do  when you are waiting for someone you shouldn't be waiting  what do you do when you found yourself doing all the things that you never imagined you would do !

I was in my solitude then. In that ignorant state  Reading. Fading. I was done waiting for you, You know! Well I waited long enough. Of your arrival  In this new city In this cruel, crowded  And cultured new city. I was dying to see you, You know! Well I dreamed long enough. Of your arrival In this city. In this calm, content And cerebral city. I was in my solitude then Not knowing you were around me. All over around me. Suddenly  And I was in that state Weeping. Dissolving.