NEW YEAR ENTRIES. Day 6 Not the first. I was not in my senses then. not because of the hangover. it's just that, I couldn't leave the year so soon. wanted to linger for a while. just to look back and wonder what a mess I made there. just to make sure I am picking up all the fallen pieces of us. not to leave a single memory behind. NO. I don't want to let go. I will pick the fallen piece every time, though it cuts and peels and bruise me. I refuse to let go. I will pick myself up with every fallen piece. one at a time. and make a collage out of it. I will frame it and hang it in my balcony. I will make sure all my visitors see it. feel it. and when they will see it, I want them to be scared of me- of how much I can give. Of how big my heart is, still beating to pour. and when they leave, just like you did, I will make a collage again. I will wait for the new year.
Posts
I do.
And it's been long enough, to not cry about it. But I do. It's been long enough, to not wait for it. But I do. It's been long enough, to not care about it. But I do. It's been long enough, to not pray for it. But I do. It has been long enough to move on from it. But I never do. . 25.5.25
Tara
I don’t understand how Tara spent 4 years Alone. Yearning Without Ved Wanting Ved I don’t understand how she survived, year after year. Months. Weeks. Days and Nights. the nights! Maybe, because she was but a character. for a movie character- a time-lapse could help. A 5minute song Changing frames. Changing seasons. Cut to- After 4 years…. Tara meets Ved. But I want a movie about all those years, Tara spent alone. What she did, when she felt lost? How she overcomed from that feeling... Where she found the courage to find a way out from the labyrinth. when it got really scary and lonely without him- without a direction, without a purpose? How? How she endured that pain of being alone? Or finding him was her purpose? was that her direction? keeping her alive? I don't understand how one can live Alone. Yearning.
something else.
This is something else. something more. something strange. something I am not able to hold. This is something else. something more terrifying something strong something I am not able to let go. This is something else. something more addictive. something stagnant. something I am not able to come out of. a maze. a magistically mysterious maze. a mirage. This is something else. You, are something else. something more. something, I am not able to get more of. something, I am not able to get over of.
Hedonic Hunger
It's not like I am starving or anything. But I have this strange craving of you. It's not like I would faint or anything. But I have this strange urge of you. On a perfect Sunday morning, After having a perfectly healthy breakfast I still yearn for a cup of tea, out of pleasure. A complete unnecessity. Which they say, I should avoid. It's not good for the well-being of me. On a perfect Sunday morning, After having a well-fed soul, I still yearn for you, out of pleasure. A complete unnecessity. Which they say, I should avoid. It's not good for the well-being of me. It's not like I need you to survive. But I have this appetite for you, In order to sustain myself. It's not like I am obliged to have you. But I have this requirement of you, In order to nurture myself. You are like that forbidden fruit From Eden. A cup of tea I should avoid. But I still get hungry for you. Do you know what hedonic hunger is? I am hedonically hungry for you.
On losing myself.
I am not being me lately. Doing the things I was sure I'll never do. For all those times I cursed you for being you. And for all, I know I am being you now. I am not being me lately. Doing the things I thought I'd never do. Then, I wanted you to love me like you did. And Then I hated you for loving me like you did. I am not being me lately. Doing the things I imagined I'd never do. For all those years I cursed you for hankering For yearning And longing burning and for all, I know I am being cursed now. I am not being me lately. I am not me. It's you. Since you. And you, Are you being me now?
Ruins of Me.
And since then, I am collecting the ruins of me. Ruins of me after you. Remains of me. Relics of you. The odds and the ends. Connecting the trails, Taking the strolls. Searching, For belongings of yours. Seeking, The leftovers of mine. Collecting the broken pieces, Trying to make it work. Pretending that I've got it, Making it work. But what is ruined Cannot be renewed, right? You have to rebuild it. Have to restart. To restore. Rejuvenate. But I am not done yet I am still, collecting the ruins of me. Ruins of me after you.
Notations.
and before leaving, I take a tour of the apartment. if I have left anything on the gas or the window open or the geyser on or the switches and after half locking the door, I take 2nd tour of the apartment again, just in case... the window or the geyser or switches and every time while locking the door, I turn the keys in the wrong direction. and every time I wonder how can I be so thoughtless the keys have to be turned towards left side... or is it on the right side? and every single day, I stand in front of the door struggling to lock it turning the keys left and right wondering, how can I be so heedless wasn't it easier yesterday? and cursing myself, for not being attentive for forgetting keys on the way home the other day, for getting easily annoyed by little inconvenience, for giving up every time on the things I love, for not being able to do what I wanted to do, for procrastinating the most important things, for not caring about anything a...